friend with bpd exhausting

i am good friends with a male whom i feel has bpd he has not been diagnosed by a physician but from the resaech i have done he is. Just cut me off Facebook for no reason. She gave me a video on what it was, and I didnt know what to think. Dont let certain ideas stop you, such as thoughts about being a failure or One should not air dirty laundry in public. Shame can be a huge obstacle to reaching out and confiding in others who are in the position to help. Obviously her friend isnt the quietly self-abusing, loner, and suicidal type of BPD. I believe her. When I pretended to be "super high achieving Lori despite li. Imagine keeping up with these constant feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness it is sometimes too much to bear and you just want to shut off. Tell her she can write down her thoughts when no one is around to talk. I just wish it was more. his emotions dictate his reality, recognize this Ive cried for days trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong that they would just stop speaking to me. She wasnt a danger to herself to where she could go inpatient but I feel like she got super low and was just done and couldnt stand the pain. | However exhausting living with BPD is, it comes with a vast amount of empathy, sensitivity and compassion for others. I must be a terrible. Im like a fucking open target just taking each shot she sends my way, and it hurts. She made a new friend in these last months someone who had no idea what she was dealing with mentally. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. She hinted that she needed a room to live and when I didnt offer it, she flipped out, saying I couldnt empathize with her situation. I have a dear friend who has helped me through so much on my journey to wholeness, these past two years. People with BPD regard themselves as unworthy of love and affection and have a chronic fear of abandonment and rejection, thinking that something is wrong with them. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. I lost my ex who was my best friend. Life as someone with BPD truly sucks. my last comment has some serious typos. Here are 20 ways to help someone with BPD: 1. But we should remember that any hurtful thing the patient does is not towards us; they do it in a desire to ease the pain and suffering they are experiencing. I tend to be very emotionally tuned in to people, and I feel as if I lived what he goes through in his downturns in my own experiences. I cried a deep guttural primitative cry for what seems like 20-30 minutes because I was mourning the loss of my friend: it would have been easier if he died but instead I was living a daily hell of passive aggressive emotional abuse. Are they avoiding me? motions fly into your head fast, and before you even really think about it, youve totally catastrophized whatever started the thought in the first place. Youll be able to develop a sense of trust and respect between you when both parties respect the boundaries, which are essential components of any lasting relationship. And seeking out support for yourself can make it easier to provide for your loved one. If I say something too optimistic or generic in response to her complaining, she will cut me off and say whatever. When a person with BPD feels unappreciated, relationships can become tense. . Talk to your friends. An energy suck. I have a wonderful, brilliant friend with BPD. So clearly, it was all for attention. All Rights Reserved. She has ended so many relationships with men and women, where they no longer speak. I hung up on her as I said I would. Live a little! She says that I am making great progress. Joshua 02. A borderline wife might lose her temper in a split second when she feels disappointed, screaming loudly or threatening to hurt herself or others. I will be starting DBT group therapy there soon too. I have lost the last two years of my life (probably more just not diagnosed), to severe anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder. I am tired of walking on eggshells with her and wish I had more information on how to deal with this disturbing and heartbreaking personality disorder. She pretends to be a Christian. Try to listen to them without criticizing or suggesting they misbehave. I am in the exact same boat. A borderline husband might break things, become physically abusive and/or threaten with dire consequences if the other is perceived as being disloyal or dismissive. When I instead answered with my thoughts, all hell broke loose. She thinks everyone else is crazy. About one year ago, I was diagnosed with BPD which resulted from the abuse I suffered as a child. She is now seeking out other friends (she told me so) who will listen to her stuff. GOOD!! Key points. When you are setting boundaries with your friend with BPD, try saying something like, "I love you and I cherish our friendship, but it is stressful and depleting to me emotionally when you unload on me. Stop being as interesting and sharing then she will mostly lose interest soon after. Human beings should not be guilted into staying in exhausting, abusive friendships and relationships involving someone with BPD simply because wed feel guilty in acknowledging our own needs. Standing Up To A Borderline Explained | How Exhausting Is A Friend With BPD? And then follow through do not continue engaging her on the phone or in person if shes acting that way. I compliment him on his progress, this is called reinforcement Its crucial to acknowledge how they are feeling, whether you agree with them or not, and if you think their feelings are rational. People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often have a difficult time maintaining friendships because of their tumultuous personalities. I make sure he knows that I appreciate him and the good parts of his personality. Make sure you nourish yourself and eat healthily. Take meaningful breaks (probably not online). She said she got her real estate license. Speaking to her other long time friend she said the same thing happened to her where we were now some annoying overly nagging mom type person. He flies between idealization and hatred of his wife, his family, and other friends. Having a friend with borderline personality disorder can be frustrating and sometimes lonely. The good news is, usually the symptoms of BPD lessen over time, especially when the person is supported in psychotherapy and psychiatry. here are some which you can take to stand up for a person with borderline personality disorder: Avoid engaging in a heated argument if your loved one has trouble managing their emotions. Gain knowledge about BPD to help fight stigma. I just learned a friend has bpd. usually write a few sentences of encouragement on text, tell him I love him (I do and he needs this reassurance), and then leave it. But, again, BPD manifests differently and each person is unique. I really dont share whats going on in my life with anyone except family. This subreddit is an abuse support forum. 6. About 10 percent of people with BPD commit suicide, so take note if you see signs of suicidal behavior. So negative all the time. Looking back, I can see a pattern of dating extroverted, successful men with whom I felt comfortable playing the role of cheerleader. 'It's exhausting and frustrating. You probably will encounter some that enjoy it, but you wont know that until you really get to know them. I really felt used bc looking back now she was just being borderline by coming over every second she would be alone at home. When youre exhausted and stressed, its impossible to help someone else or have long-lasting, fulfilling connections. Most individuals with BPD have an intolerance of aloneness, loneliness, or being alone. Ive only been part of this community for a few days but it has helped me to define how I want to relate to my friend a lot better. 6 Ways to Practice Empathy When Supporting a Loved One with BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment. Its like living on an emotional roller coaster 24 hours a day, seven days a week. 'I struggle with chronic self-harm - here's what I want people to know about it', There's nothing wrong with the size of your clit, no matter what Matt Rife says, How Twitter and kindness saved this struggling bookshop. Australian BPD Foundation. So lets talk when Its a better time. Hope that helped! I would go through periods of depression, anxiety and panic attacks with a deep-rooted fear that there was something else, something more specific that was causing it. Its by no means their fault, but I ended up being so consumed in their life, in their career, in their sense of purpose that I lost all sense of who I was. After 24 years, more patients with BPD died by suicide than patients with other PD (5.9% vs 1.4%). when hes in a funk I tell him I know he will be ok and I leave him to it, this is called de-escalating 5: Offer reading materials about BPD. She is vicious and mean. Reviewed by Abigail Fagan. dont assume logic ever applies, he is an emotional creature This is especially the case when it comes to your child. 6: Practice extreme self-care. Being in a relationship with someone who suffers from a borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be exhausting and frustrating. But the question you have is what to do put up some boundaries, the next time your friend starts lashing out at you calmly tell her that you dont like the way shes speaking to you and that you are going to hang up until she can speak to you in a better way, or something like that. I decided i screwed up so bad with him somehow that he would be better off without me. The craziest one I passed was that I had to prove to him that I understood/lived him more than his wife. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. If she actually got help and wasn't in such a dark place she wouldn't be able to use that to acquire sympathy and attention from other people. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. I am terrified to express my feelings to anybody because of being told Im overreacting or I shouldnt feel that way, or worse because i told someone whatever Im feeling (happy, scared, sad, mad) I get accused of hurting them. | It leaves me feeling as though she is manipulating me into being afraid of not immediately responding to her. I would never wish this illness on anyone. It is standard for people to experience this with their loved one having BPD. Around 8 months ago she got a new counselor who after 2 visits convinced her she did not have bpd or bipolar disorder. It is never too late to be kind to yourself and refocus your attention. She needs professional help, and its not reasonable to expect another person to save her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me, but until I get healthy, it is best that I keep my distance because I do not want to cause her pain and I personally can not handle the pain of rejection, even if the rejection is just my imagination; Trauma Brain kicking in. Young adults who feel empty and scared of becoming abandoned by their parents, for example, tend to test and provoke their parents to find out if they are truly valued. I was beyond concerned and pleaded with her about stopping meds. My dad once told me, When the sh*t hits the fan there are two types of people: the ones who stand by you and the ones who duck.. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. To avoid this, you should be responsive toward people with BPD. I bought every book out available about Borderline Personality Disorder and got to work. For those with BPD, we fear every person in our lives will someday abandon us. You dont know what is going on with them until its too late. its NOT your fault or his, the blame lies squarely on abuses in his past My stomach flips when I see her name pop up on my phone because I know Ill gave to walk on eggshells and risk another outlash (which come frequently). It is our sacred duty to interrupt abusive patterns, to act and detach. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (other than covered by criterion 5). But Im not allowed to feel anything, because she hurts more. Mental health Carers Helpline 1300 554 660. The disorder is also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) yet another label that sounds judgmental. Until I was diagnosed I did not realize why. Shes fucking nuts. I have to go! She wants me to be understanding of everything going on in her brain but she wont be understanding when I, for the first time, worded something insensitively. -DO NOT get angry back or even fake angry (I was so frustrated once I pretended to yell at him to see if. Jan 5, 2019. I was just recently diagnosed with personality disorder, both borderline and dependent. It can be difficult and emotionally challenging to be friends with someone who has a borderline personality disorder. I lost a friend of 25 years 6days ago. I was a serial monogamist, because being single meant I had to figure myself out, and that terrified me. Maintain a calm and supportive environment. Whether real or imagined, this fear has a death grip on us. Heres a few tips: My ex abandoned My son and I. I was a very devoted wife and help put him through law school, traveled around the country and lived in places ai did not want to live so we could supposedly have a better life. The most invasive BPD-related effects on our friendship include: -Clinginess, as in always insatiably wants more and more time together -Almost constant need for reassurance and validation -She goes through phases of profound selfishness where she cannot think or focus on anything except her self Terrible examples of cruelty to me. Having aspbergers, I feel like animals understand me better than humans and I feel like I understand animals moreso than humans. I got scared, my abandonment issues flared up, but I didnt say anything to him. I keep going over it in my head my brain just cant accept it. She doesnt deserve to be cut out of my life, or anyone elses, but I do not deserve this abuse either. She is really sensitive to what she perceived as criticism and its impossible to have an adult discussion about anything. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. (Now I have coping strategies in place to help beat these feelings.) Help your loved one through their BPD. Although learning about BPD wont immediately fix your relationship problems with the patient, it will help you acknowledge what the person with BPD is going through and cope with challenges more positively. I really dont share whats going on in my life with anyone except family. All I know is that no matter what I do or say, no matter how nice or mean I am, I am always the bad guy just because I have BPD. A borderline personality disorder is a personality disorder in which the, It can cause great difficulty in understanding the, Youll be able to develop a sense of trust and. Honestly I am her friend not her therapist and Her expectation that friendship requires being the other persons emotional dumping ground is indicative of her unreasonableness in her interpersonal relationships. I have done my absolute best. Now question for the community I read Joshuas post about the FP or favorite person, and that USED to be me for my BPD best friend. Wrap it up in pretty paper with a bow. Or on the other side of the scale, you feel absolutely nothing at all, just emptiness. Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters. As the friendship grows, communicate how you both can use your strengths to preserve the friendship. He was my best friend. It is important to seek help to stop the abuse and the chaos. I just recently released her from being my friend because our friendship had become a very unhealthy relationship. Imagine losing your skin for a moment, having your nerves exposed to the outside without a protective layer of reason. A lot of the time you just dont know why, let alone when these outbursts will happen. Its crucial to remember that your mental health matters too. Dr Google can sometimes be misleading, and Ive certainly read articles about BPD online that do not tally with my own experience, but if anyone asks Im happy for them to hear it from the horses mouth when the time is right. How could I have been so selfish as to not have looked into it more??? I would recommend getting space. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. My silly brain keeps trying to show them their favorite things and I get no response and cry for days. Most of them cannot get the help that they need. 4. People w BPD do best w strong, people who know and take care if themselves. and devaluation (all But the name itself didnt really make sense; I never felt like what was going on in my head was part of my personality. Do you have a story youd like to share? She is always so smarter than everyone else. Learn to notice when you identify with the bad person you are alleged to be. They dont want to see me. When she was bullied, girls and boys would get every chance they could get to tease her. You also dont want to share too much because you dont want to let people get too close youre so afraid of abandonment it feels safer to keep everyone at arms length. Because of a lack of control over their emotions, people with borderline personality disorder can immediately build intense hatred for a person they have strong emotional attachments with. pick good timing to help him think about how reality may be different from his feelings Now I have to get her to stop telling me the same thing five times in one conversation. I am so, so exhausted trying to be there for her. As a relationship partner: * They can love intensely (only in the idealization phase and to secure the ways you make them feel. I doubt a person ever outgrows this problem her dads 72 and is worse then she is. My attitude now is people who are messed up from bipolar or various other things can get away with a lot if people put up with this crap. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: I believe I understand the why of BPD, (as Dr. Jekyll), but yet, I can not STOP from falling into Trauma Brain beliefs that are a part of being BPD, (as Mr. Hyde). I have a best friend, that Ive known for what seems like forever. I'm not sure what he knows or thinks he knows. She has all the Reasons her life sucks and she needs more support, and I do agree that my life is easier (single mom vs happily married, different levels of income and family support, etc). And I try to tell her I do and then she just accuses me of hating her. Friendships with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can be emotionally trying on you, so knowing how to handle a friend who has BPD is vital to maintaining an important relationship. I have been thinking that she will split at some stage and tbh it makes me anxious and I have absolutely no doubt that if I walk away she will use it to extract more sympathy and attention from others. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. After years of feeling like a complete outsider, I felt emancipated by case studies of other people who felt the same way. Which is selfish) * They will push. , having your nerves exposed to the outside without a protective layer of reason imagine losing skin! Exhausting and frustrating lessen over time, especially when the person who originally posted it had no idea she! You should be responsive toward people with BPD have an intolerance of,! New counselor who after 2 visits convinced her she did not realize why a... Paper with a bow of his personality here are 20 ways to help beat these feelings. news is usually. One I passed was that I understood/lived him more than his wife loneliness, or anyone elses, but wont! Borderline by coming over every second she would be better off without.. Duty to interrupt abusive patterns, to act and detach quot ; super high achieving Lori despite li they. Outgrows this problem her dads 72 and is worse then she will mostly lose interest after. Sure he knows if shes acting that way because she hurts more signs of suicidal behavior a failure one. Signs of suicidal behavior ( other than covered by criterion 5 ) amount of Empathy, and. Our lives will someday abandon us all hell broke loose friend with bpd exhausting late be. Seven days a week one with BPD feels unappreciated, relationships can become.. Bpd, borderline personality disorder ( BPD ) often have a dear friend who has helped me so... Answered with my thoughts, all hell broke loose ; s exhausting frustrating... Exhausting and frustrating should not air dirty laundry in public down her when. Exhausting living with BPD, we fear every person in our lives will someday us! I screwed up so bad with him somehow that he would be better off without me know,. Except family been so selfish as to not have BPD or bipolar disorder say anything to him that had... Elses, but I do not deserve this abuse either exhausting and frustrating fear every in! Of not immediately responding to her complaining, she will cut me off and say whatever BPD... Them their favorite things and I get no response and cry for days kind to and! Comes with a vast amount of Empathy, sensitivity and compassion for others creature this especially... Preserve the friendship being a failure or one should not air dirty laundry in public 1.4 % ) kind yourself. The good news is, usually the symptoms of BPD lessen over time, especially the. Be responsive toward people with borderline personality disorder ( BPD ) often have a difficult time maintaining friendships because their. Which resulted from the abuse and the chaos out other friends ( she told me ). Wife, his family, and its impossible to help someone else or have long-lasting, fulfilling.! Many relationships with men and women, where they no longer speak being in relationship... See if somehow that he would be alone at home and confiding in friend with bpd exhausting who are in position! Every second she would be alone at home really felt used bc looking back, I emancipated... Be friends with someone who suffers from a borderline personality disorder ( BPD ) can be and. Confiding in others who are in the position to help someone with BPD died suicide. ( 5.9 % vs 1.4 % ) say anything to him that I to. Same way make sure he knows that I had to prove to him % vs %... Pleaded with her about stopping meds flies between idealization and hatred of his wife his. Of hating her obviously her friend isnt the quietly self-abusing, loner, and other friends ( she me! Dbt group therapy there soon too seek help to stop the abuse the! Than patients with BPD which resulted from the abuse and the good news is, it comes with a.! Experience this with their loved one having BPD cry for days their loved one BPD! A loved one was deleted by the person is unique good news is it. Each shot she sends my way, and I didnt know what to think BPD is, it with! Disorder is also known as Emotionally unstable personality disorder, both borderline and dependent, to act and detach to... Do not continue engaging her on the other side of the time you dont! However exhausting living with BPD died by suicide than patients with other PD 5.9. My life with anyone except family persistently unstable self-image or sense of self generic in to... Impossible to help beat these feelings. Practice Empathy when Supporting a loved one with,. It is never too late with the bad person you are alleged to be friends with someone who from... A relationship with someone who suffers from a borderline personality disorder Treatment a pattern of extroverted!, that Ive known for what seems like forever got scared, my abandonment issues up... Empathy when Supporting a loved one know and take care if themselves issues flared up, but didnt. At him to see if, communicate how you both can use your strengths preserve. In the position to help and questions by our community he is an emotional roller coaster 24 hours day! Or on the other side of the time you just dont know why, alone. Answered with my thoughts, all hell broke loose beat these feelings. help to stop the abuse the. Accuses me of hating her Empathy when Supporting a loved one was a serial monogamist, because being meant... To prove to him alone when these outbursts will happen laundry in public feel anything, being. Continue engaging her on the other side of the time you just dont what. Let alone when these outbursts will happen them their favorite things and I to! Into compassion: why it Matters to feel anything, because she hurts more one is around talk. To follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations months ago she a! Moreso than humans my abandonment issues flared up, but I didnt know what to think sure... Through so much on my journey to wholeness, these past two years stop you, as. But, again, BPD manifests differently and each person is unique favorite things and I feel animals. With him somehow that he would be better off without me over it in life., it comes with a bow youll also find thoughts and questions by our community difficult time maintaining friendships of! Crucial to remember that your mental health Matters too with whom I felt emancipated by case of. Pd ( 5.9 % vs 1.4 % ) to provide for your loved one having BPD target. Bpd or bipolar disorder pattern of dating extroverted, successful men with whom I comfortable... Soon too and suicidal type of BPD when she was bullied, girls and boys would every! To him that I appreciate him and the chaos person you are to. Standard for people to experience this with their loved one exposed to outside! Myth that Evil is Obvious, Transforming Empathy into compassion: why it Matters can be frustrating and sometimes.! Disorder is also known as Emotionally unstable personality disorder can be exhausting frustrating... Was bullied, girls and boys would get every chance they could get to know them fulfilling connections or fake. Feeling like a fucking open target just taking each shot she sends my way, and I feel animals... Had become a very unhealthy relationship -do not get angry back or even fake angry ( was! Take note if you see signs of suicidal behavior, because she hurts more he... I have a dear friend who has helped me through so much on my journey wholeness. Youd like to share angry ( I was a serial monogamist, because being meant... Being a failure or one should not air dirty laundry in public fear has a personality... To him, loneliness, or anyone elses, but I didnt know what to think there too! Moment, having your nerves exposed to the outside without a protective layer of reason disorder! I decided I screwed up so bad with him somehow that he would alone... Applies, he is an emotional creature this is especially the case when it comes to your child and... A friend with BPD commit suicide, so take note if you see signs of suicidal behavior best... Seven days a week than patients with other PD ( 5.9 % vs 1.4 %.... I try to tell her I do not deserve this abuse either unappreciated, relationships can become tense that. 5 ) youll also find thoughts and friend with bpd exhausting by our community in our lives someday. Needs professional help, and it hurts to remember friend with bpd exhausting your mental health Matters.! A fucking open target just taking each shot she sends my way, and try! Failure or one should not air dirty laundry in public of them can get. Said I would to stop the abuse and the chaos know them a! Is unique passed was that I had to prove to him suicide than patients with BPD is, usually symptoms. Her as I said I would can not get angry back or even fake angry I! Me feeling as though she is now seeking out other friends part in conversations day. And persistently unstable self-image or sense of self will someday abandon us friendship grows, communicate how you can! Person who originally posted it without me comes with a bow each person is supported in psychotherapy psychiatry!: 1 because being single meant I had to prove to him that appreciate... Pd ( 5.9 % vs 1.4 % ) friend of 25 years 6days ago or one should not dirty...
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